Dreams of the Future

In August I sold my home and moved everything I own into an 18ft stepvan. My plan is to travel, at the very least, until next spring.  During that time I need to figure out how I can work and live, while I travel.  I have not written here since the sale, as I was overwhelmed by the quickness of the whole deal.  The house sold in 3 weeks and I was not expecting such a quick sale.  I found the following few words that I wrote a couple of days after leaving.  I thought today I would share them.

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August 23rd

I spent last night at a rest stop 100 km from the nearest town, in the mountains of BC.  I locked myself inside my truck and pretend I was not afraid.  The idea of bears scared me far less than the other vehicles, that would pull into the stop as well.  I drew the curtains shut, made bruschetta and couscous for dinner, had a glass of wine, a hot shower and crawled into my comfy bed; a most civilized evening.

I slept all night and I survived! I feel like that is all any of us are doing some days.  I opened Facebook in the morning to find out that my 88 year old uncle had died. It is important for me to acknowledge that he was 88, as if that means it’s ok. 50 is not, Right?

I know that you are already aware of this , but we are all dying; some of us even know how and when. And yet, we plan for a future we are not sure we will have.  We write a story every day about our life.   We judge the decisions we have made, to explain where we are in life.  We work so hard, to ensure some day we won’t have to do so.  We say no to way more than we say yes to because we are afraid.  Maybe things are better this way.  Maybe this helps us feel some sense of control.  If you had told me when I was 20, I would get married, have a baby, divorce, remarry, that he would die and that I would quit work at the peak of my career and choose to sleep in a van at a road stop – I would have told you that you were crazy.  Or worse, I might have even come to the conclusion that I will eventually lose my mind!

But what if there is a better way, to see and action our lives?

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And now here I am October 25th, in Crescent City, California at the Java Hut drinking tea and planning for a future I am not sure I will have.  I think I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that it’s not the planning and dreaming that’s the problem.  It’s what we miss out on along the way. It’s the doing of things that we do not enjoy, in pursuit of it, that is the problem.

It appears I have much more reflection to do.

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